Sitting is Dangerous

Tyler Jungbauer, Guest Writer

We don’t really think enough about how dangerous sitting actually is.

In fact, sitting is so vastly dangerous that when one does it during the National Anthem, this very act of sitting is the sole cause of distress for the rest of that person’s life.  In other words, we must accept that the National Anthem is indeed the omniscient, self-defining instrument through which all American citizens and existent beings find meaning, identity, and equality.  Unless we stand for the National Anthem, we are considered bigots, heathens, little better than prone corpses stuffed away in dust-littered boxes so far under the dirt that they’re hardly solid at all.  If we do not stand for the Anthem, we lose philosophical value and become as meaningless as Nietzsche’s mustache. The axial problem I see within American society has entirely to do with sitting—and, because sitting is such a problem, I have devised a solution to this abysmally philosophical problem.

Instead of allowing people the option of sitting instead of standing, we should as a society permanently bind all people’s legs in a fixed position which does not allow for them to sit. This solution is the simplest of the many that have been offered—aside from, of course, permanently removing people’s legs if they choose to sit—and therefore it only follows that it should be implemented within the very tapestry of society as a nation-defining law.  The reasons for why this is the simplest, and also the most logical solution, to the philosophical problem of sitting down during the National Anthem are outlined below.

First, science has proven that sitting is not a natural phenomenon, that instead it’s really just a social construct construed so that human beings may undertake the purpose of being, as it were, “lazy” within their natural environments. (Laziness is really an adaptive technique of the human brain to allow for minimal energy to be expended for a relatively meaningless purpose, and thus sitting has become a phenomenon that’s evolved with humans and their societies throughout time, all for this central purpose of not expending any unnecessary energy for an innately unimportant cause.) But back to science. When we regard the data, we find that studies have shown that other animals do not sit. Those critics out there, now, they’re going to raise their hands at this point. “You’re wrong!” they’ll say. “Look at that dog—it’s sitting on its backend!” But we have proven also that these critics are even further wrong: the dog is not indeed sitting on its backend at all, but rather merely hovering above the earth at such an infinitesimal distance between atoms that, to the flawed human eye, it appears as if the dog were “sitting,” as we humans call the phenomenon.  In fact, the human eye is so vastly flawed that when a chicken “sits” on its eggs, the human eye perceives a sitting chicken—when, in reality, the chicken is not sitting on anything, nor is in fact “sitting” whatsoever.  The “chicken” to which we refer is really just a costume that intergalactic space travelers wear while they fertilize the eggs with specialized gamma rays—all for the purpose of making sure humans don’t become too smart while these pandimensional creatures continue their hitherto unknown experiments on us—and these same space travelers are so far removed from the singly dumb human race that they do not have legs. Instead, they float on their thoughts. This only proves that sitting is not only an unnatural phenomenon but also a singly meaningless activity of the human race, which is itself inherently flawed in its ability to do math.

So, given that sitting is merely a human social construct, we must rid our world of it in order to uphold the good and the righteous—which are, we must understand, genuinely objective concepts that exist beyond the human brain.  Take the National Anthem, for example, that all-powerful device and commanding deity to which we look for daily guidance and self-control.  The man who wrote the National Anthem, Mr. Francis Scott Key, was a man who didn’t sit once in his whole life. Instead of sitting, he would stand at such an angle that he appeared poised in such a position that he was both sitting and standing simultaneously. This phenomenon forever came to be known as squatting, which is acceptable to human social standards. (For this reason, even though we must ban the option for human beings to sit, we must continue the option of humans to squat, because Mr. Francis Scott Key squatted, and he wrote the National Anthem, and for this he deserves infinite respect.)

Which brings to mind the fact that other nations do not uphold the National Anthem.  What must we make of them, if they sit while the National Anthem plays? We must acknowledge the fact that there is no empirical evidence as of yet that has shown who did indeed name the Earth, and since America is the presently greatest nation on the planet, it is only logical to assume that America owns the naming of the Earth and thus the very Earth itself. And, therefore, every nation within the world is, technically speaking, American. Given this, we must berate and chastise any global citizen who sits during the National Anthem. Squatting, however, is permitted with all citizens of the American Earth, as it is with citizens of the American Motherland.

(It has been universally agreed by scholars of the First Amendment that squatting is defined as “Standing at such an angle that the leg of the standing individual is poised at a degree greater than or equal to 90 degrees, and thus parallel to the ground, as one is poised while standing.” If an individual decides that they think it’s a good idea to break the rules enforced by this intellectually-acceptable definition, they should be incarcerated immediately and read their rights, as according to the National Anthem.  However, I must add, it shall be made impossible for all individuals of the American Earth to sit if and only if all these international citizens are permanently bonded with braces, which is why this solution of my infallible brain is so infinitely necessary.  With these braces, though, it will still be possible to squat and lay prone, that the wearer may still experience relatively comfortable sleep.)

In conclusion, we mustn’t allow for this sitting to go on. It is not only a human construct that sitting is a natural phenomenon, it is also an extremely flawed logical premise. (To better understand the logical fallacies behind why sitting is non-allowable in accordance to the National Anthem, read Francis Scott Key’s second-cousin’s nephew’s son’s article, “A Logical Dissertation on Why Sitting is For Losers.”) As humans are so infinitely logical—though singly dumb also—it is only insulting to our intelligence to sit. Instead, we must stand. And, though opinions in disagreement have been raised, we mustn’t listen to these, because the opinion given by the flag is always the right one.  And, as we’ve learned, the flag is above us always and to the flag we must always turn our attention when the Anthem begins, else we forget our right to stand. And yet, in order to remember our right to stand, we must also remember our non-right to sit, because humans are naturally not lazy. (This is, I’m certain, an undeniable fact which requires no evidence for its proof.)

*It should be acknowledged by the reader and the listener that this piece was written for a satirical purpose and thus, given its nature, the piece lacks certain truths and is inherently stupid. However, it should also be noted that not all of the facts within this piece are false. Chickens are indeed pandimensional, superintelligent beings that are experimenting on us through cognitive trickery.