guardian angel

There’s a guardian angel out there who loves me

Because she knows as soon as I let you open my mouth

My inner demons will come rolling out

In forms of clinging, long-awaited affection

“Perfection”; I need you most

If only the words I spoke had no doubt.

It’s hard being small,

Because despite that, I fight shrinking into myself

Like a black hole, I’m so cold

Yet never so bold as to ask the universe

Why did he make my fingertips burn

And why do I deserve the heart that hurts?

How do shadows of our lives still linger

Even though he had me wrapped around his finger?

Still must I remind myself that it all happened months ago,

That I have the worst sense of time perception

But I can’t help myself from gnawing on my own bones,

Watching the time pass and having to let go,

Letting go, falling down, down, further

Into a memory where I am stripped of clear sight;

Sometimes I see your smile

It makes me believe that I’m in heaven

But how could that be, all along when

You made me think I was a savage;

I guess I was, for creating all this damage,

Irreparably broken

Inexpensively I bought his trust

I turned it into dust and watched as it blew away

How many times will I feel the same situation replay

Into a light beam pouring onto the balcony

Of my childhood bedroom, so many memories,

Of when I was younger and my friendships drove me to insanity

Because my anxiety was a skyscraper and the hardest part was to not say “sorry”…

But this time I’m not sorry,

Despite everything I poured out from my lungs

My guardian angel just told me

“Keep going

Keep making your mistakes

and own them until the day

The day they fade out to grey”

No matter how much I fall

Even when it’s back into your arms

I will push away the ground someday

I will push away your hold on me

And someday, I will fly.

I want to tell the heartbroken out there:

Listen to your angel.

She’s in your gut, in your heart, in your soul,

In your eyes.

She sees the truth is so clear:

Don’t let him break you,

and allow his hands to hold up your pieces to examine.

Don’t miss him now,

When your bright future is so near.

No matter how you react and fear and love and cry for attention,

Or lie and cheat and sin in the name of rejection,

Your guardian angel will be there.